Fake Family Court Police: Meet the Justice Pretenders
Child Snatchers Moonlighting as ‘Investigators’—On Your Dime!
NOTE: Read this piece on TheFamilyCourtCircus.com.
You’ve heard of police. You’ve heard of social workers. You’ve heard of mall security guards with attitude problems. But have you met the District Attorney’s Child Abduction Unit?
No? Well allow me to introduce you to America’s most elite fake police force—complete with badges from Party City, daytime-only operating hours, and a shocking ability to disappear the moment a child is in actual danger.
Fake Family Court Police: Uniforms by Party City. Authority by Vibes.
You may think law enforcement officers have to undergo rigorous training, carry body cams, follow due process, or at the very least, wear actual uniforms.
Not these folks.
The DA “police” show up in whatever was on the floor that morning, slap a “DA Investigator” badge on their chest (sticker optional), and inform terrified children and parents that they’re there on behalf of the court.
What court?
Which judge?
Can I see a warrant?
Can I phone a lawyer?
“No,” they reply, adjusting their sunglasses. “We’re just following orders.”
(Fascist undertones completely coincidental, we’re told.)
Fake Family Court Police: Justice by Day, Clown Gig by Night
Now don’t get me wrong—these brave heroes work hard.
From 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, Monday through Friday, you can count on them to:
Remove children from school without notifying both parents,
Misrepresent family court orders as arrest warrants,
Refuse to explain what department they work for,
And ignore all questions while gripping a firearm and muttering “it’s for the child’s safety.”
But come 4:01 PM?
🚫 Need to report a child actually being kidnapped after hours?
🚫 Witness abuse on a weekend?
🚫 Missing child on a holiday?
Tough luck.
They’re off the clock and probably moonlighting as birthday party clowns or bar trivia hosts—because that’s how the system works. You only get justice during business hours, assuming your crisis can be squeezed between lunch breaks and someone’s dry cleaning pickup.
Step Right Up: The Family Court Circus Is in Town
And these aren’t your average street-level cosplay enthusiasts. These are court-endorsed, six-figure-salaried family snatchers, acting as both judge and jury—but never as someone accountable.
Their routine:
Flash a badge.
Say “court order.”
Skip the warrant.
Emotionally scar a child for life.
Clock out before traffic.
They operate in the gray area between “enforcement of civil policy” and “you’re not allowed to question this.”
Which is strange, because:
They often don’t wear uniforms.
They use fake names.
They refuse to show real ID.
They may not even be listed in official rosters.
So what do we actually know about these people?
Nothing.
But they know everything about your kid, your custody case, your whereabouts, and your “noncompliance.”
Fake Family Court Police: Is That a Cop or the Guy From Spirit Halloween?
The best part?
These DA agents may be trained in exactly zero trauma-informed care.
But they sure are experts at:
Ripping kids from homes,
Telling sobbing children “you’ll be okay,”
And writing just enough in their report to avoid consequences.
One witness described their outfit as “police-ish” with a discount tactical vibe—somewhere between FBI and FML. One dad said he mistook the badge for a Chuck E. Cheese prize token.
But the trauma?
That’s 100% real.
$200K a Year to Dress Up and Play Kidnapping?
Did I mention that some of these agents make over $200,000 a year in salary, overtime, hazard pay, and retirement benefits?
That’s right.
You pay taxes so a person with no warrant, no body cam, no verified identity, and no emotional intelligence can show up unannounced and tell your kid, “You don’t live with Daddy anymore.”
Let’s review:
Not accountable to police departments ✔️
Not supervised by judges once they leave the courthouse ✔️
Not required to de-escalate or notify the other parent ✔️
And absolutely not available after 4 PM ✔️✔️✔️
Meanwhile, you—the parent—are expected to follow every order, every minute of every day, or risk losing custody for “noncooperation.”
Fake Family Court Police: Final Thoughts from the Justice Pretenders
“Protecting children” isn’t really the goal.
Compliance is.
Control is.
And if that means hiring weekend clowns with guns and badge stickers, so be it.
Because nothing says “child safety” like traumatizing them during 3rd-period math with strangers who can’t pronounce the word “jurisdiction.”
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