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The Special Schmuck
"I have given a name to my pain..."
Our Hero’s Task
Enter the Schmuck. Lenin liked to use the term “Useful Idiot” (полезный дурак / poleznyi durak in Russian), but since this is a story of American Fantasy, it should begin with an old-fashioned Yiddish term.
In this story, Luthmann, a great warrior who until recently was held in the dungeons of a far-away land, wages a Troll War through the use of Thought Crime against an entire Band of Schmucks. Mind you, the question must preliminarily be asked: Are the Schmucks the Enemy? The answer: Yes and No.
At first glance, the answer is a resounding ‘Yes, of course. The Schmuck is the Enemy.’ The Schmuck presents himself on the open battlefield opposite Luthmann seeking Trial By Combat. The Schmuck seeks to do Luthmann harm, to annihilate him. What else would the Schmuck be but an Enemy?
But upon deeper reflection, it becomes clear that the Smuck is also Lenin’s “useful idiot.” The Schmuck is playing checkers, while the Schmuck’s masters play chess. The actual “Enemy,” and there are several, are the ones who command the Schmucks, who compel the Schmucks to do their bidding.
As in any story, we must begin somewhere, and in medias res is just as good a place as any.
A hemorrhoid is a mass within the human body that has no physiological function. It is not at all useful, much like the first Schmuck Luthmann will deal with in this story. So it logically follows that this first Schmuck is just a plain idiot. And it was this idiot who fired the first shot and woke a sleeping giant.
The first Schmuck is a lawyer, a “Special” District Attorney in a fictional place called Richmond County. This mythical place is a far-off island in the middle of the Narrows Sea that is run and administered as a small, one-party fiefdom to benefit its Ruling Elite. At the top of the ruling hierarchy is the First Family. Within that First Family, there is a marriage to top all others. Like the Norns under the tree of Yggdrasil, in that single bedroom, the fates of all on this entire mystical island are decided. In that bedroom is drafted the “Enemies List.” Those who dare to pose any problem to the ruling barony are deemed enemies. And this Ruling Elite learned well from the neighboring baronies. The GREAT ENEMIES are dealt with through the Feudal Courts controlled by the First Family in this fictional island county: “For my friends anything; for my enemies, THE LAW.” In one bedroom, it is decided who is to be investigated, who is to be brought to the Baron Queen’s justice, and what the punishments will be. The actual administration is a mere formality, an afterthought.
Our Schmuck is one of these afterthoughts. He is a middling go-along-to-get-along servant of the fiefdom. The Schmuck has been around for over 35 years with little to show for it other than claiming that he can go after child support. But the Schmuck was given a “SPECIAL” golden ticket by the Ruling Elite, so now he is an entirely SPECIAL SCHMUCK. The golden ticket entitled the Special Schmuck to do just about anything to dispose of one of the “GREAT ENEMIES” of the First Family.
And the Special Schmuck did just about anything. The Special Schmuck is crooked, a prosecutor in a position of authority that is one of the worst. When given a golden ticket, the Special Schmuck gets “gold fever.” It happened before when the Special Schmuck was an attorney for the 18-B panel. The Special Schmuck submitted false, inflated, and fraudulent billing and expense statements, robbing the lowly local peons who paid their taxes to their feudal lords. The Special Schmuck’s greed and dishonesty got him kicked off the 18-B panel. And he was the perfect crook for the First Family’s purposes.
The Road to Crucifixion in Richmond County
The Special Schmuck was appointed to crucify Luthmann for Thought Crimes against the Ruling Elite of Richmond County. And the Special Schmuck was given complete immunity by the Ruling Elite to take any measures necessary to accomplish this goal. The Special Schmuck could lie, cheat, steal, defraud, and defame - and he did all of these things. The Special Schmuck had his SPECIAL Golden Ticket, and the Special Schmuck could go back to his favorite pastime: submitting false, inflated, and fraudulent claims for gold, and robbing the local peons, with the authority and consent of the First Family and the Ruling Elite - so long as there was a crucifixion. So the Special Schmuck lied and stole - to the tune of half a million dollars and counting. And the Special Schmuck double-talked and cajoled. And the Special Schmuck violated the Rules of Professional Conduct. The Special Schmuck thought he got his crucifixion, and the Ruling Class all thought they had gotten away scot-free and things would return to normal.
But Luthmann was not dead. Luthmann has returned. Luthmann is a Revenant. And just like in the movie, Luthmann, once left for dead in a far-away land, has already been mauled by the bear and has already escaped the Indians. Luthmann has only one task left, and you can guess what that is if you saw the movie.
On April 7, 2022, in the fictional land of Richmond County, Luthmann will seek an opportunity to be heard and address the misdeeds of the Ruling Class and its Special Schmuck before the Feudal Courts. Luthmann wants to give the Special Schmuck his walking papers and get him kicked off the road to Golgotha based on the appearance of impropriety, dishonesty, and crookedness.
As expected, the Special Schmuck appears indignant that such charges could ever be levied against him or the Ruling Elite - these people are blameless and immune to any and all scrutiny in the Feudal Courts, and especially one lodged by a peon:
But the Special Schmuck fails to realize that he has conceded his transgressions and the misdeeds of the Ruling Elite, which are numerous but rarely documented. The Special Schmuck has no defense when confronted with facts and truth. The Special Schmuck can not deny his past or present dishonesty, misrepresentations, and public frauds. However, will facts and reality be enough in the Feudal Courts? Probably not if the Ruling Elite has its way. Luthmann is having trouble even getting an opportunity to be heard in the Feudal Courts on the fictional Island of Richmond County.
On April 7, 2022, Luthmann seeks to dispose of this first, Special Enemy, if Luthmann can get a fair shake.
But there will be many more Enemies to come. What new Enemies will show their faces in the Feudal Court and elsewhere? Which members of the Ruling Elite should be worried? What other persons may become collateral damage in this story? And what magical weapons does Luthmann have to slay his Enemies?
Stay tuned. Much more to come.
If you have any comments, you can reply to this message. If you have any tips that can help our hero Luthmann in his Troll War, you can send them to firstname.lastname@example.org.