Trouble In Paradise? Queen Crime and Walter Raleigh: The State Senator Gave Us The Shaft!

PLUS: This is Satire? - Annual Awards, 2022 Edition

The word is there is BIG-TIME TROUBLE IN PARADISE on the Isle of Staten.

A rift has exploded between Queen Crime of the North Shore and the outgoing State Senator, according to the Queen’s consort Sir Walter Raleigh. This is what we know.

There was a time that Sir Walter Raleigh was so far up the outgoing North Shore State Senator’s ass that if she stopped short, his head would have been lodged up there for a week before he came up for air. No more!

Evidently, Queen Crime’s consort will tell anyone who will listen that the State Senator “didn’t do enough” for Queen Crime. In fact, Walter Raleigh thinks that Queen Crime got the shaft because the State Senator spent so much money to help her successor get elected. But last year, Queen Crime didn’t see the same kind of green. “That ain’t fair!” Sir Walter has been bellyaching all around the Isle of Staten to anyone who would listen that the State Senator gave the shaft, and Judge Twinkletoes was wondering how he missed out. Don’t worry, Ron, Tish will strap it on for you. Big. Chocolate. Strap-on.

Four years and forty pounds ago, Queen Crime and the State Senator were the best of friends. What happened? And what happened to their friendship?

The troubles are compounded by the fact that the rug got pulled out from under the State Senator for a soft landing at the Mayor’s Office. Evidently, Hizzoner doesn’t want to onboard a new Deputy Mayor that is about to be a key witness in a YUGE political lawsuit with CFB implications and fines almost a certainty. And not only is Queen Crime hurting her own campaign and a chance at matching funds in 2023, the State Senator’s cushy job is now all but shot because of her former best bud’s DEADBEAT ways.

It’s tough to do a lot of things when word gets out you’re a DEADBEAT. One thing is to run a political campaign. Another is to get MATCHING FUNDS.

But for Queen Crime, local squabbles aren’t the biggest issues on her radar. In fact, Queen Crime and Sir Walter regularly invite guests into their basement to question them (and check them for wires - more on that below). You have to expect that when you sell access, things might get tricky - or go Federal.

So let’s take bets. Queen Crime and Sir Walter Raleigh: Who’s Gotti and who’s Gravano? Who’s THE BOSS, and who’s THE RAT? And who gets there first - THE FEDS or THE CFB?

Are the telephoto lenses focused on Stapleton AND the Silly Council Chamber? Only time and an Indictment will tell. Merry Christmas! Luthmann’s sending a present over. HO HO HO!

THIS IS SATIRE? - ANNUAL AWARDS, 2022 EDITION

Luthmann would like to thank the readership for all their interest and support in 2022. Hopefully, 2023 will be even better.

We would be remiss if we didn’t recognize our top fans and some of the other people who keep us going.

FANS OF THE YEAR

This Is Satire? has had one fan that stood head and shoulders above the rest when it came to circulating the publication. Thanks Donnie! Jack Murphy thought you were a pussy. But turning down a West Point commission with today’s WOKE military may actually be a badge of honor for a Democrat with aspriations.

I would strongly advise you to read: THIS IS SATIRE?!!!!!!!

Just look at the Commander in Chief, with over Fifty years of service to the government. The only question is, WHICH GOVERNMENT?

Someone who might have all the answers is our Honorable Mention. He’s a shit-spreader of the highest caliber.

Telephone. Telefax. Teladoc. Tell a friend. Tell Arvanites.

THANK YOU TO OUR TOP SOURCES

Luthmann would be remiss if he didn’t thank his top sources. Luthmann has eyes and ears all over the Isle of Staten, but these folks went above and beyond.

STUNTCOCK

By now, everyone has heard that STUNTCOCK met investigators in the incomplete White Elephant Parking Garage. Usually, JUDGE TWINKLETOES has a warm place for a STUNTCOCK, but this time we’re not so sure.

BENITA BUTRELL

She ain’t one to talk, and you didn’t hear it from her, but she got the shit on a whole bunch of people. Great job BB - keep it coming!

YOLANDA VEGA

If Yolanda Vega keeps on supplying the level of information she has to date, she’s going to put somebody in a JACKPOT!

FRANKIE FIVE ANGELS

"Your father did business with Hyman Roth, your father respected Hyman Roth, but your father never trusted Hyman Roth! Or his little Sicilian messenger boy!”

PAULIE WALNUTS

He’s like Santa Claus but in reverse. You bring him a gift, he thinks you owe him. But that’s just the way these old-timers roll.

HONORABLE MENTION: DONNIE BRASCO

As if a pay cut wasn’t enough! Donnie Brasco isn’t a bona fide source. He just runs his mouth to enough people who will listen that his crap regularly gets back to Luthmann, like this one: Queen Crime and Sir Walter Raleigh invited Donnie Brasco over, made him take off his shoes, checked him for a wire, and then proceeded to alternate between plying him with booze and pumping him for information. I wonder if Walter Raleigh wanted to pump him with something else. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

But wait. Luthmann’s Chanukah and Christmas presents for the people of the Isle Staten will be on their way very, very shortly!

Stay warm and stay safe!

WHAT’S NEXT?

Is there more? Of course, there is more. Luthmann is armed with many weapons in the Great Troll War.

But there will be many more Enemies to come. What new Enemies will show their faces in the Feudal Court and elsewhere? Which members of the Tyrannical Ruling Elite should be worried? What other persons may become collateral damage in this story? And what magical weapons does Luthmann have to slay his Enemies?

Stay tuned. Much more to come.

We welcome any and all comments.

TIPS: richard.luthmann@protonmail.com