Family Court Due Process Is Not a Right — It’s a Premium Feature™ (Satire)
PAY TO PLAY: Family Court Turns Justice Into a Subscription Service
Family Court Due Process Is Not a Right — It’s a Premium Feature™ (Satire)
April 27, 2025
PAY TO PLAY: Family Court Turns Justice Into a Subscription Service
NOTE: This piece is also available at TheFamilyCourtCircus.com.
By Michael R. Phillips | REBUILT | Father & Co.
Welcome to Family Court™, where justice is sold separately, rights are optional, and your child’s future depends on which subscription tier you can afford.
We’re proud to announce our new service levels, effective immediately:
🪙 Due Process Basic™ — $0/mo
Hearings scheduled without your knowledge
No jury
Evidence? Optional (but mostly ignored)
One (1) court-appointed stranger to judge your worthiness as a parent
No refunds
No explanation
Just vibes
💼 Due Process Plus™ — $499/mo
You may be allowed to speak
Your motions will be “considered” (definition varies by judge)
GAL may return your email
Hearings limited to 7 minutes or less
Still no actual justice — but it feels closer
👨⚖️ Due Process Premium™ — $4,999/mo
Your evidence is reviewed (or at least glanced at)
You get to finish a sentence
Your disability accommodations are “acknowledged”
Opposing counsel stops laughing (briefly)
You still lose, but they say “Thank you for your time.”
👑 Due Process Ultra™ (Invite Only)
Judge actually reads your case
Laws are followed
You get to see your child
Court acknowledges constitutional rights exist
Also comes with a unicorn
⚖️ Add-Ons & Boosts
Justice Visibility Pack™ – $99
Let your pleadings be seen before they’re denied.
Overrule Insurance™ – $149/mo
Protects you from the emotional trauma of being told “Motion Denied” for the 48th time.
Evidence Access Plugin™ – $79
View the opposing party’s exhibits that the judge already ruled on before you saw them.
Sanity Preservation Kit™ – $299
Includes therapy, blackout curtains, and a stuffed animal to scream into.
🛑 Terms of Service
By appearing in court, you automatically waive your:
First Amendment rights
Parental rights
Privacy rights
Right to be taken seriously
All sales are final. Emotional damage not covered.
🎟️ Bonus Feature: Court Loyalty Program
Every hearing earns you 1 “point” toward future justice.
10,000 points = one supervised visit!
(Offer expires after 90 days of nonpayment.)
🧠 From the Creator
This isn’t comedy. It’s a coping mechanism.
After years of fighting to see my son through a system designed to destroy hope, I’ve learned that satire is the only language some people understand.
So if you’re reading this and you’re laughing?
Good.
Now share it, and then get back to fighting.
Because the game may be rigged — but the circus can still burn.
Michael R. Phillips
Father. Litigant. Pyromancer of Truth.
fatherandco.substack.com | @mrthunderbeats
 | A guest post by
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Ok this one is a huge subject. You have 14th amendment right to be heard. Thats for preservation on appeal and the supremacy clause forbids judicial discretion. Judicial discretion is only legal if it doesn’t violate federal/constitutional law. You guys gotta start suing these yahoos in Federal Court. Keep it focused on your denied Constitutional rights. If there is fraud, you are allowed enough heft to make your case, there’s case law around that from the US Supreme Court. They can only take from you what you don’t know you’re allowed. If they don’t give you an opportunity to be heard, I would file a FRS Rule 60 Relief From Judgement. You claim a Judge is biased if they do not allow you your rights. Most states have revised statutes that are the same as the Federal FRS statutes or they follow the Federal statutes. You can gently nudge a Judge by saying things like “another court may find differently the facts of this case”. That is not a threat but you’re letting them know you’re not going to let it go.
The more I read, the more I think we need to write appeals as a group. The $300 fee is well worth it and it puts these arbiters of illegal activity on notice. Activist Judges are on their way out. It blows me away the courts are actually debating illegals getting due process and hard working legal citizens have to beg to be heard. Sounds like a rally cry to me!
I just had to join in:
Family Court Marketplace™: Where Justice Meets Microtransactions
Ready to take your Family Court experience to the next level? Introducing our newest upgrade packages — because you didn’t think basic dignity came for free, did you?
Court Notification Alerts™ – $29.99/mo
Be the first to find out your ex filed another emergency motion at 3AM! Now featuring optional panic attack trigger warnings.
Filing Fee FastPass™ – $59.99 per motion
Skip the 6-week backlog! Submit your motions in express lanes—subject to judge's mood swings.
Co-Parent Communication Filter™ – $19.99/mo
Auto-translates hostile messages from your co-parent into legally admissible language. Example:
"You’re a lying psychopath" ➔ "I respectfully disagree with your perspective."
Contempt of Court Defense Pack™ – $249 one-time
Because forgetting to submit your paperwork to three different portals, in triplicate, with notarized copies, was obviously criminal.
Judicial Empathy Upgrade™ – $999/appearance
Adds a 12% chance the judge will make eye contact.
(Disclaimer: eye contact does not imply understanding.)
Family Court LegalTech™ (Coming Soon to App Stores!)
Finally: courtroom survival tools in the palm of your hand.
Coming soon:
Motion Denied™: A clicker game where every tap denies a motion. Just like real life!
Virtual Judge™: A bot that issues random rulings based on dice rolls, caffeine levels, and lunar cycles.
Justice Roulette™: Spin the wheel! Will you get supervised visitation, or a stern lecture about "co-parenting maturity"? Roll the dice and pray.
Disclaimer
By participating in Family Court proceedings, you implicitly agree to the following:
Logic and evidence are optional.
Emotional resilience is not provided.
Outcomes may vary wildly depending on wealth, connections, and planetary alignments.
Protesting injustice may result in additional fees or contempt charges.
Remember: it’s not corruption — it’s creative monetization!™
If you're tired of playing by their rules, maybe it's time to rewrite the game.
Family Court: where hope is a subscription, and justice is a loot box.
Family Court™ Terms of Disservice Agreement™
Welcome to Family Court™, where expectations are ignored and hope goes to die! By merely existing within the jurisdiction, you automatically agree to the following Terms of Disservice:
1. Waiver of Rights
Upon filing any motion, breathing near the courthouse, or even daring to think about justice, you hereby waive the following:
Right to Due Process
Right to Equal Protection
Right to be heard (or even acknowledged)
Right to a judge who knows the law
Right to basic human dignity
2. Acceptance of Arbitrary Outcomes
You agree to accept any and all court outcomes as final, including but not limited to:
Losing custody because you sighed in court.
Being fined for “tone” violations.
Having your valid evidence ruled "inadmissible" because... reasons.
Receiving contradictory rulings issued on the same day by the same judge.
3. Mandatory Gaslighting Clause
By participating, you consent to:
Being told you’re “overreacting” when your rights are trampled.
Hearing "It’s in the best interest of the child" used as a blanket excuse for all misconduct.
Being accused of being "high conflict" for attempting to defend yourself.
4. Fees, Surcharges, and Emotional Damages
You accept full responsibility for:
All filing fees, refiling fees, and "Oops We Lost Your Paperwork" fees.
Psychological trauma. (Emotional damages not covered, but heavily encouraged.)
Additional attorney's fees — including the ones billed to fight the consequences of the court's own errors.
5. Customer Support
There is none.
Questions? Concerns? Complaints?
Please write them on a piece of paper, fold it into an origami crane, and release it into a stiff breeze.
That is your appeal process.
6. Changes to Terms
Family Court™ may amend these Terms of Disservice at any time, without notice, consent, or basic human decency.
Amendments may include (but are not limited to):
New rules made up on the spot.
Retroactive penalties for rules you didn’t know existed.
Infinite contempt charges for questioning anything.
Reminder
By setting foot inside Family Court™, you are deemed to have read, understood, agreed to, and spiritually surrendered under these Terms of Disservice.
Thank you for choosing Family Court™,
where Justice is a Feature, Not a Guarantee™.