Rosey Maxx, the Distinct Attorney, and Gerbil Armageddon on the Isle of Staten

PLUS: No CFB Matching Funds For the Queen of the North Shore?

Felching. It’s GERBIL ARMAGEDDON. And it appears to be not only the pastime of Rosey Maxx, the U.S. Congressional Candidate for the Isle of Staten, at least when he is not PANDERING TO ILLEGALS, DEFUNDING THE POLICE, or INSULTING ITALIAN AMERICANS. Rosey Maxx appears to be fully committed to the rodent love canal.

Yes, Rosey Maxx loves his gerbils. It’s all part of his history. Before Rosey Maxx began his most recent failing campaign for U.S. Congress, he had to make ends meet. So he tried his hand at the ADULT ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. He was a “Stunt-Cock.” That means that they would call him in for specialized shots of his member, for close-ups, and the like. The only problem was Rosey Maxx wasn’t getting any calls. So he transitioned to the ADULT GERBIL ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. And at 1.5 inches, he’s YUGE!

Rosey Maxx is a known felcher and a YUGE star in the Adult Gerbil Entertainment Industry who is running to be the U.S. Representative from the Isle of Staten.

“Listen, I’m a BIG DEAL in the Gerbil World,” Rosey Maxx said. “When there is felching involved, everyone is behind me, even Eric Adams,” the Congressional hopeful said. “I try to incorporate gerbeling into everything that I do nowadays. I have a gerbil-based anal diet and live a gerbil-based life. I was on TV the other day, and I had a fat brown gerbil way up my ass the entire time,” Rosey Maxx admitted.

But not everyone is a fan of felching. Melinda Browntail, a representative of MAFF (Mothers Against Felching Faggotry) had some pointed words for Rosey Maxx. “We arent’s just going to stand by anymore while our children get shot up Rosey Maxx’s ass. Gerbil Lives Matter. And I encourage all of Rosey Maxx’s victims and all the felching victims, in general, to come forward as we make our march towards social justice,” Browntail said.

Community activist Melinda Browntail is very unhappy with Rosey Maxx’s felching and all the harm that it has caused to the Gerbil community.

And the Anti-Felching movement is gaining traction. At a local march, we spoke with Wally Woodchuck, a supporter of the Gerbil Lives Matter movement: “I am here in solidarity with my rodent brothers. Like the great singer Bob Marley Ferretbottom sang in his hit song OLD ASS PIRATES, ‘Old Ass Pirates, yes they rob us, sold us to the Pet Store…’, you know how it goes. But we’re here to say to Rosey Maxx and all of his Pirate Buddies, you shove one of us up your ass, you’re shoving all of us up there!”

Melinda Browntail said she is getting little help from the Distinct Attorney and the Animal Cruelty Unit on this issue. “The Distinct Attorney has said that forcing innocent animals to their deaths for one's own twisted amusement is a truly disgraceful and deplorable act. But he’s done nothing to protect the Gerbil Community. I’m starting to think that unless he finds that guy Luthmann with a gerbil shoved up his ass, he doesn’t really give a shit, with all the money the Distinct Attorney spends on his political vendettas and vanity cases and with nothing to show for it,” Browntail said.

The Distinct Attorney’s Spokeswoman, Ashley Schmear, said that they would be looking into the matter. When asked if there was room in the budget for a full-scale investigation on the issue, the Spokeswoman said: “Look, the Distinct Attorney has a lot of renovations that he has to do. He’s been looking at the same Congressional Blue walls and shag carpets for the last five years. And none of them go very well with his new commode. The Distinct Attorney works hard for the People and deserves his Golden Throne.”

But Rosey Maxx believes that Gerbil Lives Matters’ claims miss the poop shoot. “Look, I know how to get things done. You’ve never held a gerbil in your hands, so you don’t know what you’re talking about. Once I’m elected, the first thing I will do is introduce Legislation to protect man-gerbil love. You may get robbed on the street in broad daylight by thugs or in your wallet from inflation and gas prices. But nothing is better than knowing that you will own nothing and you will be able to love your gerbil,” Rosey Maxx said.

Good luck with that one.

NO CFB MONEY FOR QUEEN CRIME OF THE NORTH SHORE?

Thanks to the Distinct Attorney’s efforts in coordination with the FBI and DOJ, Luthmann owes the Federal Government close to $1 million based on what Luthmann believes is a bogus, politically motivated, Federal Court Judgment obtained through FBI and Prosecutorial misconduct. But the Government wants its money, so Luthmann, now having received documents from the FBI and billing records, is compelled to sue for legal fees earned and never collected in order to satisfy the Federal Court Judgment. Luthmann previously represented many of Staten Island’s Pirates and Scallywags, including Queen “Crime” of the North Shore and her associates (her middle name is “Crime” because Crime never pays, and neither do they).

Silly Councilwoman Queen Crime from the North Shore may have CFB issues. That means she could face steep fines or even lose matching funds for her 2023 race. Who would give her money now, until these problems are all cleared up?

While Luthmann was willing to move on and let sleeping dogs lie, the Government wants their money. Now Queen Crime can thank the Distinct Attorney because she is likely “collateral damage,” and not from where you thought the dagger might come.

Queen Crime is in a real pickle because it may come to light to the NYC Campaign Finance Board (CFB) that Queen Crime’s Campaign Committee owes over $100,000 in UNREPORTED and UNPAID legal, political consulting, and other fees. This is a huge no-no in New York City Politics. Just ask the Queen’s current political consultant.

The CFB imposes sanctions for FAILURE TO REPORT and FAILURE TO PAY. The normal CFB sanction is usually treble damage fines to the campaign on top of proof that the outstanding debt has been paid. For $100,000 in outstanding debts, a $400,000 tap would be crippling to Queen Crime’s 2023 hopes to retain her Silly Council seat. And sometimes, the CFB imposes the “Death Penalty” for politicians for egregious violations - disqualification from 8 to 1 matching funds. It happens. Just ask John Liu.

Again, good luck with that one.

WHAT’S NEXT?

Is there more? Of course, there is more. Luthmann is armed with many weapons in the Great Troll War.

But there will be many more Enemies to come. What new Enemies will show their faces in the Feudal Court and elsewhere? Which members of the Tyrannical Ruling Elite should be worried? What other persons may become collateral damage in this story? And what magical weapons does Luthmann have to slay his Enemies?

Stay tuned. Much more to come.